Monday, November 3, 2008


I am so bored I want to kill myself. I actually took extra pisses in order to get up from my desk and move around. I believe that I've surfed the entire internet and there is nothing left to read. I just spent the last hour reading and listening to Christopher Hitchens. So to recap I have been reading vanity fair articles and watching hardball videos of a biritish neo-con in order to pass the time.

Sidenote: I'm still pretty fat, though I'm working on my guns. I have, however, encountered another intersting naked guy moment. I try to avoid the lunch rush at the work gym, so I wait until after lunch hour is seemingly over and head up. usually this works out well, I have teh small space to myself and can go through my workout unhindered, and most importantly have teh small changing room to myself. Not so fast my friend. on thursday I went up at the usual dead time and there were two guys who I'd seen previously finishing their workout and getting in the shower, one guy stops and starts to talking to me. Let me assure you, he does not shower in a bathing suit, of any kind. So he's bare assed naked, facing me just chit chatting away. so after a couple awkward minutes, I politiely suggest that there is plenty of time to get to know one another, without him being so open about everything. He didn't catch on and kept talk so I literally tripped trying to get dressed to escape the middle aged dong of don't careness. In tretrospect. I hope someday to not care enough to jsut let my dick flop out and be totally cool with that. Unfortunately, that day doesn't seem to be in the immediate future.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Things around the office haven't been slow, however the people I work with are

I work with a group of retards. Now my job as I've stated isn't hard, it's actually quite easy I can sum it up like so: it's 5 clicks.

However, I'm reliant on a person to get me the documents necessary to click 5 times. I see this person flitting around the office stopping at every cublicle to engage in a conversation and just chit chat, while I have to watch and seethe. Eventually she gets to it, sort of . More often I end up doing her work as well as mine, which shouldn't bother me considering just how little I work in a day. I shouldn't have to do her job for her. I dont' understand how these corporations continue to function at a profit while carrying so much deadweight. They easily could eliminate this person and things would not miss a beat. Though I'd have to also attend to her large wipey board and find ana ssistant to handle her non work related conversations. I wonder how you'd advertise for that position?

Anyhow. I really have no room to talk. I don't do a god damned thing until 1 pm every single day and adding her work load to my incredibly light worload adds maybe 15 minutes, but that's not the point. I look around and see so many people that I would fire if I were the boss. I don't understand how these remora fish of the jobplace continue to fly under the radar.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Profiles in Workage

So today I'm going to talk about a co-worker. I'm torn, there is a young man we'll call him Fill, he's a sweet kid, utterly and totally incompetent but he's nice and means well. Then there is an older woman, and she too is incompetent, also sweet, and also means well. She is more interesting but not much.

So, we all know my story, took the bar, totally unprepared for life after the bar and not sure exactly what I was supposed to do, tried to find a clerk job after pretty much every firm handed out clerk jobs. So as a last resort I went to a temp agency and here I am, doing menial work for not much, but also there are serious benefits to this. I get to just fly totally under the radar, and be incredibly lazy without any of the higher ups raising an eye. They love that I have a law degree and seem to defer to my education and obvious intelligence. I get unlimited time to surf the internet and talk on the phone, intermittently dealing with the aggravation of actual workstuff, but that generally takes up 5-15 minutes of an hour. What I'm trying to say is that a monkey could do my job and probably be slightly more efficient. This is important to know as I profile one of my fellow temps.

The saga of My female co-temp.

She is probably around 40, has a couple kids, she has an incredible moustahce, which for the life of me I can't figure out why she doesn't have it removed. George Parros would be jealous if he saw this thing. Other than that she is incredibly unremarkable.

She absolutely cannot figure out how to use a computer, at all. I don't mean she isn't good, no, she needed my help to create a folder on her desktop. I imagine at some point in the very near future she will issue forth several grunts and start smashing the monitor with the keyboard. This is not at all uncommon with people who grew up outside of the computer era, except for this, she worked for a computer distributor. How is it possible to have that job and not pick up even the most rudimentary knowledge about operating a computer. Christ, even neaderthals figured out how to make and use crude tools.(I am not sure that they did, but it fits well in my narrative so let's all just go with it and move on.)

But again, that's nothing. Here is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. she does the exact same job I do, but what takes me 5-15 minutes seems to take her all day long. I described her to my wife like this. "I dont' know what she does but she is always doing it." At first I thought I was doing something wrong. But, then I decided that can't be possible. So I became the male Diane Fossey and she has become my gorilla in the mist. I will update with my observations as I learn and better understand the office busy person doing nothing.

Here is the thing. I have mastered the fine art of looking busy and not being busy at all. My alt tab finger is billy the kid quick, my peripheral vision is outstanding, my walk is fast paced and my look is generally always serious. So yes, that part is all down. She also seems to have it mastered, except she never surfs the internet or makes any personal phonecalls. She just sits there and very very slowly goes over what she is supposed to be doing.(I think, my research is in its infancy.)


So there is a gym where I work and I use it 3-4 times a week. I generally dont' work up a huge sweat and am not high enough yet to be able to take 90 minutes to go through a routine, cardio and shower. So here is the question, is it wrong for me to work out, take a ghetto shower by washing my body like a hobo in the sink and reapply deoderant and put my work clothes back on and head back to work?

Corollary-what's with all the old dicks in every single gym locker room. Put a towel on for decency's sake! No one likes your old balls. and this room isn't big, I had to do some barry sanders type manuvering to avoid them brushing up against me.

Friday, October 17, 2008

So I haven't posted in a while

Here's why. I have nothing really to say.

Ok, I have something, but it really isn't that good. There is this woman I work with, we'll call her patty, because that's her name. she is blond and looks like a drunk. I'd say probably mid 50's but more than likely around 41. She doesn't know her way around a computer and thinks that dressing like your homeless is totally ok and cool. While I admire her joie de vivre. I think it might be slightly inappropriate to wear pajama pants to work. But what do I know?

She is pathetic in every way and instead of feeling sorry for her, I am angry, because she demeans me and my job. I'd like to beat her to death just to teach her a lesson, instead I just ignore her and treat her like the crazy lady that roams Elmwood Avenue screaming.

She has recently made contact with the most tragic person I have ever met, her name is Christine and she is the living version of a failure pile in a sadness bowl(props to patton oswalt). I fully expected there to be a pathetic off right here in the office. I was very very excited, perhaps even slightly aroused. I may have gotten a little hard but who doesn't when they see two beings that are human in form only about to have a tragic off? I fully expected a couple my dad raped me's and loads of tears. Instead they got along famously and now they are inseperable, which just makes me that much angrier. I hate these two with every fiber of my being. I hated them apart, but now, together, they are like some sort of wonder twins of tragedy. "I shall take the form of soul crushing poverty and I will become a river of tears!" The simple fact that they are SO pathetic is what makes me so angry.

Oh and I still hate my job.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

stuff from all over my waste of a life

So Friday I had to go to a 3 hour training session on stuff I already knew how to do and had been doing for two weeks. I sat there and thought about writing here. I even took notes. They sounded incredibly whiny and I quickly discarded that idea. However, it was incredibly depressing being the most educated and by default most intelligent person in the room to sit back and listen to these dolts talk about bullshit and clap over huge wins. Whatever the fuck those are.

Saturday Ohio State won, Hooray!. Pryor is going to be a once in a franchise type qb. I'm thrilled he chose osu over that school up north.

Sunday: the bills get destroyed. I went to a bar that apparently catered to people with harelips I felt extremely out of place. However the experience was interesting and necessary for me to understand the seedy underbelly of blue collar life. I can assure you there were no people of color there nor would I venture to say that they would be welcome, at all.

At one point a kid said jesus christ as losman got sacked again after holding onto the ball for too long and this fat guy, who I was pretty sure was retarded screamed, "hey don't use the lord's name in vain." I bit my tongue explaining that there is no such thing as god as he was created in the image of man, but I felt that he would use his retard strength to just beat my point and face into submission.

Lesson to be taken from sunday: retard strength is the great equalizer .

In the last day and a half I've done exactly oh 2 hours of work. I surfed the internet and enjoyed immensely also 's shoutbox has provided me with neverending hilarity.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

So I found my evil twin

His name is David and he's a dick. It's nice to find like minded people

Also two new temps started, one is Phil, aka phil with an f, and light speed

Then I think some other temp started and I'm pretty sure she's on drugs, all of them.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Things I look forward to

driving home and listening to the raconteurs new album, which is amazing. It's always sunny in philadelphia tonight. My life is pretty empty right now. That's an understatement.