Monday, November 3, 2008


I am so bored I want to kill myself. I actually took extra pisses in order to get up from my desk and move around. I believe that I've surfed the entire internet and there is nothing left to read. I just spent the last hour reading and listening to Christopher Hitchens. So to recap I have been reading vanity fair articles and watching hardball videos of a biritish neo-con in order to pass the time.

Sidenote: I'm still pretty fat, though I'm working on my guns. I have, however, encountered another intersting naked guy moment. I try to avoid the lunch rush at the work gym, so I wait until after lunch hour is seemingly over and head up. usually this works out well, I have teh small space to myself and can go through my workout unhindered, and most importantly have teh small changing room to myself. Not so fast my friend. on thursday I went up at the usual dead time and there were two guys who I'd seen previously finishing their workout and getting in the shower, one guy stops and starts to talking to me. Let me assure you, he does not shower in a bathing suit, of any kind. So he's bare assed naked, facing me just chit chatting away. so after a couple awkward minutes, I politiely suggest that there is plenty of time to get to know one another, without him being so open about everything. He didn't catch on and kept talk so I literally tripped trying to get dressed to escape the middle aged dong of don't careness. In tretrospect. I hope someday to not care enough to jsut let my dick flop out and be totally cool with that. Unfortunately, that day doesn't seem to be in the immediate future.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Things around the office haven't been slow, however the people I work with are

I work with a group of retards. Now my job as I've stated isn't hard, it's actually quite easy I can sum it up like so: it's 5 clicks.

However, I'm reliant on a person to get me the documents necessary to click 5 times. I see this person flitting around the office stopping at every cublicle to engage in a conversation and just chit chat, while I have to watch and seethe. Eventually she gets to it, sort of . More often I end up doing her work as well as mine, which shouldn't bother me considering just how little I work in a day. I shouldn't have to do her job for her. I dont' understand how these corporations continue to function at a profit while carrying so much deadweight. They easily could eliminate this person and things would not miss a beat. Though I'd have to also attend to her large wipey board and find ana ssistant to handle her non work related conversations. I wonder how you'd advertise for that position?

Anyhow. I really have no room to talk. I don't do a god damned thing until 1 pm every single day and adding her work load to my incredibly light worload adds maybe 15 minutes, but that's not the point. I look around and see so many people that I would fire if I were the boss. I don't understand how these remora fish of the jobplace continue to fly under the radar.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Profiles in Workage

So today I'm going to talk about a co-worker. I'm torn, there is a young man we'll call him Fill, he's a sweet kid, utterly and totally incompetent but he's nice and means well. Then there is an older woman, and she too is incompetent, also sweet, and also means well. She is more interesting but not much.

So, we all know my story, took the bar, totally unprepared for life after the bar and not sure exactly what I was supposed to do, tried to find a clerk job after pretty much every firm handed out clerk jobs. So as a last resort I went to a temp agency and here I am, doing menial work for not much, but also there are serious benefits to this. I get to just fly totally under the radar, and be incredibly lazy without any of the higher ups raising an eye. They love that I have a law degree and seem to defer to my education and obvious intelligence. I get unlimited time to surf the internet and talk on the phone, intermittently dealing with the aggravation of actual workstuff, but that generally takes up 5-15 minutes of an hour. What I'm trying to say is that a monkey could do my job and probably be slightly more efficient. This is important to know as I profile one of my fellow temps.

The saga of My female co-temp.

She is probably around 40, has a couple kids, she has an incredible moustahce, which for the life of me I can't figure out why she doesn't have it removed. George Parros would be jealous if he saw this thing. Other than that she is incredibly unremarkable.

She absolutely cannot figure out how to use a computer, at all. I don't mean she isn't good, no, she needed my help to create a folder on her desktop. I imagine at some point in the very near future she will issue forth several grunts and start smashing the monitor with the keyboard. This is not at all uncommon with people who grew up outside of the computer era, except for this, she worked for a computer distributor. How is it possible to have that job and not pick up even the most rudimentary knowledge about operating a computer. Christ, even neaderthals figured out how to make and use crude tools.(I am not sure that they did, but it fits well in my narrative so let's all just go with it and move on.)

But again, that's nothing. Here is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. she does the exact same job I do, but what takes me 5-15 minutes seems to take her all day long. I described her to my wife like this. "I dont' know what she does but she is always doing it." At first I thought I was doing something wrong. But, then I decided that can't be possible. So I became the male Diane Fossey and she has become my gorilla in the mist. I will update with my observations as I learn and better understand the office busy person doing nothing.

Here is the thing. I have mastered the fine art of looking busy and not being busy at all. My alt tab finger is billy the kid quick, my peripheral vision is outstanding, my walk is fast paced and my look is generally always serious. So yes, that part is all down. She also seems to have it mastered, except she never surfs the internet or makes any personal phonecalls. She just sits there and very very slowly goes over what she is supposed to be doing.(I think, my research is in its infancy.)


So there is a gym where I work and I use it 3-4 times a week. I generally dont' work up a huge sweat and am not high enough yet to be able to take 90 minutes to go through a routine, cardio and shower. So here is the question, is it wrong for me to work out, take a ghetto shower by washing my body like a hobo in the sink and reapply deoderant and put my work clothes back on and head back to work?

Corollary-what's with all the old dicks in every single gym locker room. Put a towel on for decency's sake! No one likes your old balls. and this room isn't big, I had to do some barry sanders type manuvering to avoid them brushing up against me.

Friday, October 17, 2008

So I haven't posted in a while

Here's why. I have nothing really to say.

Ok, I have something, but it really isn't that good. There is this woman I work with, we'll call her patty, because that's her name. she is blond and looks like a drunk. I'd say probably mid 50's but more than likely around 41. She doesn't know her way around a computer and thinks that dressing like your homeless is totally ok and cool. While I admire her joie de vivre. I think it might be slightly inappropriate to wear pajama pants to work. But what do I know?

She is pathetic in every way and instead of feeling sorry for her, I am angry, because she demeans me and my job. I'd like to beat her to death just to teach her a lesson, instead I just ignore her and treat her like the crazy lady that roams Elmwood Avenue screaming.

She has recently made contact with the most tragic person I have ever met, her name is Christine and she is the living version of a failure pile in a sadness bowl(props to patton oswalt). I fully expected there to be a pathetic off right here in the office. I was very very excited, perhaps even slightly aroused. I may have gotten a little hard but who doesn't when they see two beings that are human in form only about to have a tragic off? I fully expected a couple my dad raped me's and loads of tears. Instead they got along famously and now they are inseperable, which just makes me that much angrier. I hate these two with every fiber of my being. I hated them apart, but now, together, they are like some sort of wonder twins of tragedy. "I shall take the form of soul crushing poverty and I will become a river of tears!" The simple fact that they are SO pathetic is what makes me so angry.

Oh and I still hate my job.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

stuff from all over my waste of a life

So Friday I had to go to a 3 hour training session on stuff I already knew how to do and had been doing for two weeks. I sat there and thought about writing here. I even took notes. They sounded incredibly whiny and I quickly discarded that idea. However, it was incredibly depressing being the most educated and by default most intelligent person in the room to sit back and listen to these dolts talk about bullshit and clap over huge wins. Whatever the fuck those are.

Saturday Ohio State won, Hooray!. Pryor is going to be a once in a franchise type qb. I'm thrilled he chose osu over that school up north.

Sunday: the bills get destroyed. I went to a bar that apparently catered to people with harelips I felt extremely out of place. However the experience was interesting and necessary for me to understand the seedy underbelly of blue collar life. I can assure you there were no people of color there nor would I venture to say that they would be welcome, at all.

At one point a kid said jesus christ as losman got sacked again after holding onto the ball for too long and this fat guy, who I was pretty sure was retarded screamed, "hey don't use the lord's name in vain." I bit my tongue explaining that there is no such thing as god as he was created in the image of man, but I felt that he would use his retard strength to just beat my point and face into submission.

Lesson to be taken from sunday: retard strength is the great equalizer .

In the last day and a half I've done exactly oh 2 hours of work. I surfed the internet and enjoyed immensely also 's shoutbox has provided me with neverending hilarity.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

So I found my evil twin

His name is David and he's a dick. It's nice to find like minded people

Also two new temps started, one is Phil, aka phil with an f, and light speed

Then I think some other temp started and I'm pretty sure she's on drugs, all of them.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Things I look forward to

driving home and listening to the raconteurs new album, which is amazing. It's always sunny in philadelphia tonight. My life is pretty empty right now. That's an understatement.

So Far so Good, I Guess?

Ok, so now we've got some inner office strife. My new boss, this is boss number 2 in two weeks is fighting with one of my co-workers. This isn't newsworthy, but let's be honest nothing I ever post really is. However, she is freaking out and I find it both hilarious and tragic at the same time. So here is my dilemma, I really want to twist the kniofe a little and get involved and see what kind of mischief I can get into. She may get fired, but honestly, I dont' really care. My heart is blacker than the blackest black times infinity. I was already rather heartless prior to law school.

Aside: You know something is wrong or maybe right with you when you read a case in your first year torts class about rape and you laugh uncontrollably. Mind you it wasn't the rape, it was everything surrounding it. This is actually how I found my friends. we went over it in class and I looked for red faces while trying not to laugh and we found each other. My friends are some of the cruelest people I've ever met.

Ok back on point. So do I go in and see what kind of mayhem I can stir up, oir do I play peace maker and try to get them locked in at the rec center?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

My Sense of Humor doesn't mesh with the Corporate Culture

Here are some examples.

1. "what do you think this thing on my leg is?"
my response-aids, you probably have the hiv and have about a week and a half to live. enjoy. Note this was thought not said.
actual response from concerned cubemate-it is probably a spider bite.

2. "my wife was reallyhappy to see you"
my thought-she was really happy to see me too, for sex!
actual response-aww I'm so glad, she's been so sick, chemo takes a lot out of a person
yeah, i almost made that joke when his wife has the cancer. do I feel sorry? No

3. "this woman has children with different men, what a whore."-I actually said this to the person sitting next to me in training

her response-"I have two kids with two different dads, I guess that makes me a whore"

my response-shrug

that happened on my 3rd day. however it's killing me. I want to talk about aids and gay and dumpster babies, but I have no one who is anything like me, jaded, overeducated and bored. everyone is chipper and happy and fuck that. come on where are you other evil me? you have to exist. I'm considering putting out a personal.

meeting and various sundries

Well, I had a meeting this morning. Luckily of course nothing got done. I did manage to take notes. and here they are, brief but it's all I've got.

-I need to learn to never come to these early to avoid some of the stupidest conversation on teh face of the earth. I should circulate a memo letting people know it's ok to have silence. Today's small talk conversation was about the migration habits of geese and ducks. we have a large pond out just outside the building, I think to create some fake sense of oneness with nature or serenity, honestly i'm not sure why they did it. But there is it, anyhow there were a couple ducks and the person while waiting asked why you get so many ducks and geese int he summer and they leave at the end? really? is this what we have to talk about, am I an orinthologist?(sidenote, I just looked this up and POW I was right, eat that SAT)

-"there is nothing more frustrating than receiving a letter well after the date on the letter says" Really? I can think of so many other things that are so much more frustrating, but hey that's me, I hate everything

and the scorecard

meeting length 45 minutes

team:4 times

scrubbing- this apprently means removing information that isn't necessary to do the task at hand: 4 times

agreeing while actually disagreeing: 1

quick and dirty: 2

prOcessEES: 7 times

Monday, September 22, 2008

meeting is defined by webster as a group of people getting together and accomplishing nothing


I have never had as many meetings in my life as a student or semi-professional as I do temping for this company. This marks meeting number 6 in the last 5 days and I have one scheduled for tomorrow at 8:15. The real kicker is that I go and sit mute and think about everything else. But things have changed my friends, oh yes the things have changed.

I took notes today and let me share them with you

man this girl hates silence and needs to fill dead air with useless talk. please no more talking about the weather within each department.

ok so the boss is here, why do they all need the worst possible haircut and an ill fitting suit? It doesn't make you seem any more authoritative. It makes you look sloppy and slightly out of touch with the reality that is you.

ok score card time: 16 minute meeting

5 finger quotes from the boss lady

3 proactive

3 prOcessEES

1 I'm not disagreeing, but. . .(for the record yes you are)

1 ownership of responsibility. um what?

random bills thoughts

3-0 feels pretty god damned good. However as a long suffering buills fan I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It almost did yesterday, but this new bills team did something I'm not used to, coming up big when it mattered most. I'm not used to this and am not sure how to feel. Sure we won but am I being greedy for this next thought? How could we only beat the raiders on a field goal as time expires. But it felt really good to stick the football dagger in Al Davis' virtual heart.

Trent Edwards is the real deal, and Marcus Stroud is utterly awesome.

I think Donte Whitner and Marshawn Lynch are overrated.

Does it make me a bad fan to enjoy my favorite teams losing almost as much as them winning? I feel horrible, ok that is a bold faced lie. I love to feed off my friends suffering and they suffer so much at the expense of the bills and buckeyes. I wish I could lean over and lick their tears. I'm a posterchild for schaudenfreude. for example. I have several close friends who share the same affliction that is being a buckeyes fan with me. and when they were going to play usc I secretly hoped a little that they would lose, just because I KNEW how poorly these two unnamed friends would take it and I wanted to feed off their pain. OSU got killed and I'm feeling like I had a huge helping of sorrow turkey and angst stuffing with a nice anger gravy.

I was watching the Bills-Raiders game yesterday with a couple friends and a small part of me, the glutton, wanted to see them lose just to see the look on their faces to hear the empty tones in their voices and the pure hate and anger.

So again, bad fan or worst fan?

First. Post. Evarrrr.

Ok so let's talk about me. I'm 33 and recently took the New York State bar exam and to float my extravagant, peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, lifestyle I had to find a job between the exam and when I might actually be able to start work, which would be February, if everything works out. Fingers are crossed.

Currently, I'm working as a something for a large health care company. I'd describe what I do, but to be honest 1. it is incredibly mundane, and 2. I don't know that I could explain it with the clarity that it truly deserves. Instead let me try to explain my typical day.

7:30-7:50 am: I wake up having lost quite a bit of real estate over the course of the night to my two dogs. I generally feel groggy, and have a sense of dread, but that usually hits when I wake up in the shower.

7:50-8:00 am: Here I shower do the necessary functions, washing, shampooing, trying to think of ways I could hurt myself and keep it looking like an accident. At my other jobs, working as a law clerk, this was not really a problem. I'd go over what I needed to accomplish that day. Not here. No, now I try to find ways to not go to work. Then the proverbial pie to the face slams with awe inspiring viciousness that I'm broke as shit and I HAVE to go to work. Which as you might imagine makes me feel even more trapped.

8:00-8:30am: Best part of my day, I get to pick out which one of my outstanding tie collection I'm going to wear, ted baker paisley, or huge boss pink? Hmm but again I'm reminded of where I work and how in the end for what I do, I could wear a pair of jean shorts and a "who farted" tshirt complete with singe marks. However, in my quest to rise above I put together a solid looking outfit, and that makes me feel slightly better about myself. But not about my day.

8:30-9:00 am: How the fuck is the drive this fucking long? are you serious? you can't be serious! I go john mcenroe on traffic and poor drivers.

9:00-9:50 am: here I come in and log on check my email and see that of the 35 I got, 3 actually pertain to me. Quietly I wonder why I was cc'd on this when for what I do I dont' actually need it. But fine, well that's going right to the trash. I look around the dingy light blue, cube and decide that I'm not going to decorate this, it is one of many acts of subversion that may only be noticed by me, but they a small boost. Then I go on to my task this usally takes about 30 minutes

9:50-end of day: try to look busy, walk quickly around the office carrying some paper, every so often I'll have to fax something. Usually, I spend time reading articles on I get furious about mccain and palin and simmer. I listen to loud conversations about next to nothing and wonder how these people can do this every day with no end in sight. Oh and everyone says hello, in an incredibly friendly, best day ever manner. I hate that. I generally nod in acknowledgement, again a small act of subversion. I spend lunch sitting in my car and listening to jim rome thinking about how I'm going to fill the next 3 hours until I go home and can enjoy nhl 09.

4:30-5:00 pm: see 8:30-9:00 am

Thanks for suffering through this with me, now help me help you get through your day. Post some comments stories anything worth reading. I'm going to fill this with whatever comes to mind. Possibly an ohio state comment, a bills comment, and maybe even some sabres talk.